October 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER
We are thrilled to announce that Project Venator has received final approval from the PTBs, Triumvirate, and Tower as a new method of tracking the whereabouts of our most valuable assets.
Due to a high-level leak, which, fortunately, was contained by Mr. Lyle’s team of Sweepers, the time table on the release of this endeavour was moved up and it will be released at dawn.
Despite rumours to the contrary, Security would like to assure the Blue Cove staff that there is no kraken residing offshore of the Centre. The strange sightings in the water are part of a classified experiment in Module Four. As such, we have issued a cease-and-desist order against the “Anonymous Kraken” persona that continues to make entries into the mainframe and attempts to steal performance evaluations from Human Resources.
Please remember they are STRICTLY confidential.
FROM THE DESK OF MRS. GAZP (PA to Mr. Parker)
Please do not abscond with any limbs, eyeballs, or other lab-related parts for Halloween pranks. Any violators will be immediately processed for Renewal.
Construction to the Town Car garage will begin October 23rd. Please be sure to have your personal vehicles moved to the South garage or else they will be towed.
- Fire sprinkler testing will occur this week in the South Tower and the first 5 Sub-Levels. Please secure all animals, humans, and other test subjects and follow the prescribed procedures for temporary evacuation.
- Lastly, we are thrilled to announce a new contest! Send us your most Centre-looking photos (See a creepy Sweeper lurking about? Your office resembles SL-10?) and we will feature them in an upcoming CEN! Submit them to firstname.lastname@example.org by October 31st! See above for a fantastic submission from Laurette!
SYDNEY’S SECRET SANTA…
Mr. Broots in the Tech Room has a very important announcement regarding a recent uptick in the number of intercepted communiques out of the Data Annex in Wilmington. Important documents were compromised, some of which could harm the reputation of the Centre itself.
The concern was originally benign, with only low-level documents being shepherded to third party cloud servers. This was escalated to a level 7 incident, however, once we realized that the culprit was the one and only Jarod, who sold the entire Centre directory to telemarketers and high bidders in Mexico. We are deeply sorry for the number of dinner time calls soliciting donations for everything from Acute Exacerbation of Chronic Nonsense (no, there is not a real organization funding that) to muscle enhancements direct from Ahhhnold himself. We have been assured that they will be halted ASAP.
Also, there has been widespread concern about another data breach. At this point, we are authorized to inform you that several stock market manipulation Sims designed to influence airlines, defense contractors, and media conglomerates have been stolen from our Libyan Annex. We are protecting your assets in controlled Thrift Savings Plans, so all pensions are thoroughly unaffected. If any information is known about their whereabouts, please contact email@example.comASAP so we can work with our client to ensure minimal economic fallout.