May 2015 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER
Since we received numerous complaints last year, management feels the need to reiterate that there are travel restrictions in place for Spring Break, and all retreats to Cancun are to be postponed to Autumn.
Additionally, Sweepers may detoured from their normal tours of duty for reassignment to look after the children of high level executives, however there is a cap on the amount of funds that may be spent while on offsite travel.
Such funds do not cover any sort of bail for breaking the law, as that is not a legitimate executive expense.
If you think you qualify for this children-monitoring program, please email Mrs. Gazp at firstname.lastname@example.org to apply.
It has come to our attention that it is, once again, Blue Cove Restaurant Week.
While we are thrilled that our Executive Chef Dani is being awarded the Golden Peach Blossom Award (an 18K gold edible statue resembling the state flower of Delaware that will be on display in the lobby next week), we would like to instill that lunch is thirty minutes and any employees found taking “sick leave” to go restaurant hopping will be subject to volunteering for Sydney’s annual sleep-deprivation experiment occurring this Saturday.
Unrelatedly, all Tower meetings this week scheduled between the hours of 11am-2pm are cancelled for confidential reasons.
CALLING ALL SHARP MINDS…
We have been contracted by “Psychology Tomorrow” magazine to provide a study on body language and mind reading, using several of our well-known assets, including Dara, Elizabeth, Mikey, and David.
If you are interested in participating, we will offer credit time at the rate of $19/hr. Additionally, the post-doctoral assistants in Sydney’s lab have just published a joint paper on the effects of juvenile detention and appetite, which will be featured on the bulletin board in the lab wing.
They will offer snacks on Tuesday from 1-2pm in honor of their publication, and we can promise you that consuming one will not have any adverse side effects like last time (did that rash ever heal, Joan in SL-12?).
CELEBRATING CATHERINE PARKER
Since May is the month of Mothers, Mr. Parker cordially invites all staff to the unveiling of the new Catherine Parker library on May 29th at 9am.
The dedication ceremony will feature Catherine’s favorite artwork, including our recent acquisition of Berthe Morisot’s “Young Woman at the Mirror,” a recitation of Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Less Traveled” by the children in the daycare center, and refreshments of Catherine’s favorite food, including Beignets fresh from New Orleans and Peach Cobbler.
The coordinating committee formally requests all attendees to wear their favorite shade of blue and to take home a favor of a potted flower bulb to plant in Catherine’s honor- and the honor of all mothers everywhere.
Quoting one of her favorite phrases, “And under the hand of God, ye little children shall never be lost.”
UNCLE SAM SAYS…
November elections are soon approaching and we would like to remind all employees that we are under contract with the State of Delaware to provide polling equipment for all jurisdictions.
As there have been issues in the past with uploading “mysterious” software to each unit that somehow results in Mr. Raines being elected to the position of “Centre Toilet Scrubber,” among other things, Kris will be monitoring each unit through the Ice Cube to ensure that we are in compliance with all election regulations. The Triumvirate office of Mr. Adama sends the message that there is to be no embarrassment this year.
As we learned from Extron, our cyber competitor who held this contract last year (and lost it due to a similar mishap), all employees (and their extremities) are replaceable. Mr. Lyle’s thumb can attest to that.