JUNE 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER
It’s Father’s Day!
Still don’t have a gift for Father’s Day? Well, the children in the Forecasting study are offering free palm and tarot readings. What a great and unique opportunity for dad!
We simply ask for a follow up in a month to check the accuracy of our young fortunetellers. Helping us find the best future forecaster will mean better stock choices within the Centre’s Pension Plan. A gift for dad could mean a gift for you!
The Centre’s Pension Plan consists of incentives presented to the people brought into the Centre to work- voluntarily and involuntarily- and includes both defined benefits and participatory stock options. It’s very well funded…although it is questionable whether anyone has ever lived long enough to collect the pension. May your fortune be ever in your favor!
CRIMES IN ATLANTA!
We received numerous reports of incidents coming directly from the Atlanta Data Annex. Summers are notoriously hot and muggy in this state.
We know most people seek the water to cool off and enjoy swimming, boating and sunbathing.
Unfortunately, for a number of attractive young women in the Atlanta metro area, someone has discovered another use for the numerous lakes and rivers, a use that is striking terror in the hearts of the citizens in the “Big Apple” of the South.
A team of special operatives has been sent to Atlanta, but we encourage all our lady operatives in the area to avoid the lakes as we wait on more reports.
4th of July Notices…
Follow the Centre policies on safety!
Please do not bring fireworks inside the facility as it makes the Sweepers jumpy. We also do not want a repeat of the Renewal Wing riots from last year.
We know that, for many employees, it feels like he has been here forever, but for the 4th of July party, we are asking that no one ask what the War for Independence was like… Mr. Raines no longer finds it humorous.
Support Your World Cup Team!
We are thrilled to announce the first ever World Cup viewing celebration, to take place in the amphitheater outside of Hybrid Biotract 2 on July 13th. Leading up to the celebration, we are asking that all CIs show their support for their country of choice and submit their photos to email@example.com! We will feature a gallery of the submissions in the July Employees Newsletter.
Flush Poll Results Revealed!
Even though we tried to prevent it from happening, actually conducted a T-Board to find the culprit who planted such a nefarious poll, and received plenty of anonymous tips, our research was inconclusive. The flush poll in the men’s room in SL-10 remained accessible to all employees for a short amount of time. The lack of empathy with one’s co-workers is just appalling and we apologize for any inconvenience this vandalism act has caused.
Additionally, we noticed that, shortly after this poll was started, the most voted Centre employee mysteriously disappeared. If someone knows Mr. Cornelius’s whereabouts, please report them to the Tower, ASAP. We assure you that he will no longer be allowed to use the Tech Theatre without supervision.
For those of you fearing that the tech department will be left unsupervised, fear not. We’ve called in Mr. Broots again for this job and he will be securing all your tech needs.
TRIUMVIRATE DAY PICNIC
Mark Your Calendars for June 28!
The annual picnic and birthday bash for Vania in the Centre Air Fleet is nearly here and it will take place at the beach right outside the complex. Your family and relatives are welcome to join in the festivities as well!
The catering will be prepared by our chef for the Sub-Level Commissary South, Phillipe Van der Mussele. Delicacies will include everyone’s favorites: watermelon, and strawberry lemonade, roast beef, avocado wraps, and potato salad. And, as per Mr. Lyle’s request, we will also have asian dishes, like the Oriental Cold Noodle Salad.
Employees will be encouraged to take a swim. The water has been safely tested against all bad organisms and you can now take full advantage of the beach after hours. As you know, at the Centre, we take environmental safety very seriously. Our water treatment plant, located near the cavern adjacent to the sublevels, is the greatest in the country and our waters are the more pristine waters in all Blue Cove.
We ask to keep infants away from the grottos as we cannot guarantee their safety and will take no responsibility for their actions.