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Parkerisms from fans

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Miss Parker: Sydney’s missing when he’s here.

Miss Parker: So, by giving me the rest of what you know, it doesn’t make you anymore less despicable than you already are, right?

Miss Parker:  Above board my cute little ass.

Miss Parker: It’s official, I’m in Hell!

Jarod: They say it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Do you believe that’s true?

Miss Parker: If you’re lonely, call a 900 number.

Miss Parker  [To Sydney and Broots]: While Algernon is out there picking flowers and you two ponder your navels, I’m left with bupkis.

Miss Parker: Cancel clever. Jarod’s just annoying.

Miss Parker : You’ve got quite a set, showing up here.

Miss Parker: Just can’t trust a man with a stolen thumb.

Sydney: I’m impressed. How do you know so much about Greek lore?

Miss Parker: I did a lot of frat boys in college.

Miss Parker: You shouldn’t underestimate Jarod. And you shouldn’t ever underestimate me. And the next time you send me into a building that’s gonna explode, it had better blow. Because if it doesn’t, it’s gonna be your gray matter they’ll be mopping up with a toothbrush.

Miss Parker: If I find out anything has happened to our father, and you knew about it, there won’t be enough spare body parts in Blue Cove to piece your sorry ass back together.

Miss Parker [To Broots’ daughter Debbie]: These are the house rules: no running, no playing, no feet on the furniture, and no noise, which includes crying and whining. Be invisible and we’ll get along just fine.

Giuseppe: So full of anger.

Miss Parker: That’s my religion.

Giuseppe: Forgive yourself, Parker. If you don’t, you will surely be damned to a life of eternal suffering.

 Miss Parker: God forgives…I don’t.

Miss Parker: [phone rings] What?

Jarod: Well, well, well, long time no see. And how’s life treating you?

Miss Parker: Like he caught me in bed with his wife.

Miss Parker: Twitch and I’ll be washing grey matter off the walls.

Michael: You still have that look in your eyes. Half invitation, half intimidation.

Miss Parker: So which one do you want?

Michael: Don’t tempt me Parker. (showing her his wedding ring)

Miss Parker: Too late…

Broots: It’s like he vanished into a black hole.

Miss Parker: Kind of like your personal life?

Miss Parker: Last time I saw that look, Bambi’s mother was in my crosshairs.

Miss Parker: If you’re thinking of jumping, I suggest you go up on the roof and do it right!

Jarod: Little-known fact: lobsters make wonderful pets.

Miss Parker: Yeah, it was great hearing it scream when I threw it in the boiling water.

Miss Parker: That’s when people actually meet instead of typing to each other on a computer keyboard.

Miss Parker: There’s one less vacancy in hell.

Miss Parker: Sydney, step back. I wouldn’t want you to get brain matter all over your new suit.

Miss Parker [To Broots]: Just how hard did you fall on your head when you fell off the turnip truck?

Miss Parker: Do I look like I drive a mini-van?

Miss Parker: Jarod’s not just a man. He’s a Pretender. A human chameleon. A genius who can literally become anyone that he wants to be.

Miss Parker [Answers Phone]: WHAT?!

Miss Parker: You run, I chase. That choice was made for us a long time ago.

Miss Parker: Get something straight. Broots may be an idiot, but he’s my idiot. The only one who terrorizes him is me. You pull a gun on me? No big deal ’cause I know you don’t have the rocks to pull the trigger. But the next time you mess with one of my team I’ll put a bullet right in your blonde bonnet.

Brigitte: And they said you weren’t a bitch.

Miss Parker: They were being kind.

Miss Parker [Regarding a nicotine patch]: The only way that thing is going to help is if I roll it up and smoke it!

Miss Parker: I’d trade a dozen Ferragamos for one Jarod any day.

Miss Parker [To Raines]: This kindness crap may slay them at the parish potluck but it ain’t cutting with me.

Miss Parker: It would give me great satisfaction to perform his autopsy… alive.

Miss Parker: You look like you need to change your pamper.

Miss Parker: I have a gun and I’ll use it.

Sydney: New experiences keep my psychiatric skills finely tuned.

Miss Parker: Not to mention that slam-bang wit.

Miss Parker: I need a drink. A big one.

Sydney: Interesting.

Miss Parker: It’s a dead flower Sydney, not the Shroud of Turin.

Miss Parker: You’re Toto at best Broots.

Miss Parker: Score one for Captain Kangaroo.

Broots: I found something bizarre.
Miss Parker: What, like hair on your head?

Sydney [Re: Broots]: How do you think he will hold up? Miss Parker: Before or after he wets his pants?

Miss Parker: A clue about my emotions Syd- happiness is not one of them.

Munchkin: Okay, let me hear it one more time! There’s no place…

Miss Parker: We’ve said it three times already!

Munchkin: I know, but I gotta hear it with the shoes clicking.

Miss Parker: You’re gonna hear it with the clicking of my .9 millimeter if you don’t open the damn door!


The Books



Saving Luke

saving luke

Miss Parker: I can’t believe you weren’t spawned under some rock instead of being born of the same flesh and blood I came from. As much as I hate to admit it, Broots is more of a brother to me than you’ll ever be. I won’t throw him out like a piece of garbage.

ANDREA PARKER [To Steve and Craig when she walked in at her audition for the role of Miss Parker]: “My name’s all over this script already.”  And it was…

Miss Parker: Either of you munchkins break into song, I’ll drop a house on you. Let’s go find out what our little flying monkey is up to.

Miss Parker [To Lyle]: What’s the flavor of the day, little brother? Mail-order mamas from Malaysia or cannibal quiche from the Kalahari?

Broots: Uh, Miss Parker, that’s a wall!
Miss Parker: Yeah, and this is a rental!

Broots: Uh, well…it’s kind of embarrassing. I’ve never been in this kind of place before.
Miss Parker: Right, and I’m the president of the PTA.

Miss Parker: This is no stress disorder, Syd. It’s Chernobyl of the brain!

Miss Parker: Cousin It woke up and remembered he was Liberace.

Miss Parker [To Lyle]: Why don’t you shove your nine fingers where the sun don’t shine?

Miss Parker: Oh yes, he often reminisces about playing tonsil-hockey with you behind the barn after the Saturday night hootenanny.

Miss Parker: Make up your mind, Sydney. Be a scientist or a mommy. You can’t be both.

Miss Parker: Cute. Not funny, but cute.

Mr. Lyle: You are beautiful, when you’re angry.
Miss Parker: You’ve never seen me angry.

Broots: Miss Parker! (Hugs Miss Parker)
Miss Parker: Do you want me to hurt you?

Sydney: The Centre wants him alive.
Miss Parker: Preferably.

Miss Parker: If he starts singing ‘The Rain in Spain’ I’m gonna pass out.

read what Jarod has to say

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