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December 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER

FROM THE TOWER…

The Tower is giving all the Centre Annex employees 2 extra days this season, the 26th of December and the 2nd of January. Enjoy your free days!

Please note the tunnels between the South Tower and the main building of the Centre and the Sub Levels will be closed for maintenance until January 4th. We know that rumors of an escape attempt are swirling, however we assure all that each and every asset has been accounted for and is safely in their space.

Additionally, the snack carts, cafeterias, and executive dining room will be on special holiday hours. Please check the daily posted signs by the main entrance for the special holiday menu prepared by Chef Dani and the schedule of openings and closings.

Lastly, congratulations to those that solved the code in last month’s newsletter, reading “Happy Thanksgiving from the Tower, Triumvirate, and PTBs.”

SEASON’S GREETINGS!

To celebrate the 12 days ‘til Christmas day, our favorite IT Specialist, the-one-and-only Mr. Broots, started his own Holiday Greeting Cards, in true Centre fashion.

We welcome everyone to check out and share each e-card. Please feel free to send these greetings to all your loved ones this holiday season!
The whole collection is here:thepretenderlives.com/christmas-centre-greetings/

MARAUDING MAKER’S MARK

Apologies for the lack of Maker’s Mark at yesterday’s event. Unfortunately, all the supply was hijacked at the Maryland/Delaware border. All that was left was some Pez candy and a box full of fruitcake.

Miss Parker is looking into the clues to establish the perpetrator and retrieve the merchandise. She is offering a very hefty reward for anyone with information- a drink of your choice on her!

ASSMO UPDATE: SYD’S SECRET SANTA

Remember Syd’s Secret Santa? If you participated, it’s almost the moment of revelation! Now, now, don’t be tempted to open your gifts prior to Christmas day. We know there have been some very curious elves making attempts to break the rules and take an early peek inside their packages.

In fact, the penalty for opening gifts ahead of time is 5 extra hours of tutoring Dara with Sydney, so he will finally get some company on those long hours with the gifted psychic. If you think we aren’t watching, remember this mantra- we see you when you’re sleeping, we know when you’re awake, we know if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake! Happy Holidays from all of us here at the Centre!

A SCANDALOUS AFFAIR

As we still recover from our crazy Christmas party, we would like to thank everyone for their presents and presence (see what we did there?).

The highlight of the night, for those who were on assignment and unable to take part in the joyous occasion, was the eggnog. In fact, there was someone who truly revealed himself and couldn’t get enough of the stuff… Our dear colleague, Willie, was caught dancing on tables and his co-workers had to put a stop to his dance moves and drag him out, just in time to stop Mr. Raines from joining him.

We are pleased to announce no Sweepers were harmed in the clearing of the scene. We will neither confirm nor deny that the maintenance unit has created a life size countdown in SL-1 for next year’s party.

THE CHASE BEGINS!

Rebirth

rebirth

Saving Luke

saving luke

November 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER

Crypto-Analysis Division is Recruiting…

We are pleased to announce a several openings in the crypto-analysis division. These positions are based out of our Blue Cove headquarters and include a generous salary and benefits. To apply, please send the following to Centre HR atcentreinsider@thepretenderlives.com: resume, cover letter, and response to the following puzzle:

GZOOX SGZMJRFHUHMF EQNL SGD OSAR, SNVDQ, ZMC SQHTLUHQZSD.

PS: Former or currently Emtrex employees will be automatically rejected.

What are you thankful for?

Thanksgiving, even though it’s not celebrated across all countries of the world, is a day to acknowledge and celebrate those we love the most. It’s a time for introspection.

We want to hear from all Centre associates and business partners, this year. Share your storieshere. What are you all thankful for?

PS: We would like to alert that no harm should come to Arthur, the resident turkey, in this time of the year. He is property of the Centre and a valuable asset in the bio lab.

Air conditioning system shut down for inspection

We would like everyone’s attention regarding the current situation of the heating and air conditioning units across all floors in the South Tower.

As some might know, Mr. Raines’s breathing condition deteriorated last week, a condition that the infirmary has identified as severe pneumonia. We are undergoing testing and analysis on the Centre’s air conditioning facilities in order to identify if the source of his condition relies in the ducts.

We ask everyone to cooperate and be calm during this serious time. There is no cause for concern as no other patients have been identified. However, we do ask everyone to be alert and to be cautious about any symptoms you might have, such as fever, cough and abdominal pain.

The infirmary will also be accepting all employees who wish to obtain a flu shot. Mr. Cox will be heading up this detail, so please see him with any questions.

CATHERINE PARKER’S RECIPE

In honor of Thanksgiving, we are opening the recipe book, sharing a treasured meal from the Parker family table.  We fervently hope you enjoy it too!

Little Miss P’s Favorite Chicken

It’s somewhere between roasted chicken and coq au vin.

Ingredients:

  • 3 large baking potatoes;
  • 3 sweet potatoes;
  • two large onions;
  • one fryer hen;
  • assorted spices

Instructions: 

Preheat an oven to 350. Start with a nice fryer hen, about 3 lbs. Clean and then mist with olive oil and also rub with one tablespoon butter, (which doesn’t add many calories, but does add a lot of flavor).

Sprinkle with salt, pepper, paprika (lots), garlic, and a bit of sage. Place in a large, covered roasting pan.

Now chop the onions into quarters, and add to the roasting pan. Slice the potatoes (both kinds) into inch-thick sections and add to the pan as well. (Some peeled baby carrots are nice, too.)

Next, in a measuring cup add two ounces each of Worcestershire sauce, teriyaki, soy, and whatever wine you have around. Pour over the chicken and vegetables, then cover the pan.

Put in the oven for about two hours and go do whatever you want – you’re done cooking.

Two hours later, serve the chicken, which will be wonderfully tender and succulent, on a platter. Remove the vegetables and serve separately in a large serving bowl.

Total prep time is about 15 minutes, there’s not much to clean up, and as a nice side effect, the house smells wonderful when your family gets home.

Mag-Lev Train is a success

We are thrilled to announce the success of one of our most top-secret, high asset projects: the Mag-Lev Train.

News sources covering the success of the levitating magnetic train point out that it travels 500 km/h (311 mph), speeds of which would not be possible without the engineering team on SL-21.

Our clients in Japan and around the world are eternally grateful for the long hours, weekends, and vacations sacrificed. Fear not, though- Mr. Lyle, on behalf of the Triumvirate, has authorized a time-off award of 4 hours for each employee.

Try not to spend it all at one time!

THE CHASE BEGINS!

Rebirth

rebirth

Saving Luke

saving luke

October 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER

PROJECT VENATOR

We are thrilled to announce that Project Venator has received final approval from the PTBs, Triumvirate, and Tower as a new method of tracking the whereabouts of our most valuable assets.

Due to a high-level leak, which, fortunately, was contained by Mr. Lyle’s team of Sweepers, the time table on the release of this endeavour was moved up and it will be released at dawn.

KRAKEN SIGHTINGS

Despite rumours to the contrary, Security would like to assure the Blue Cove staff that there is no kraken residing offshore of the Centre.  The strange sightings in the water are part of a classified experiment in Module Four.  As such, we have issued a cease-and-desist order against the “Anonymous Kraken” persona that continues to make entries into the mainframe and attempts to steal performance evaluations from Human Resources.

Please remember they are STRICTLY confidential.

FROM THE DESK OF MRS. GAZP (PA to Mr. Parker)

  1. Please do not abscond with any limbs, eyeballs, or other lab-related parts for Halloween pranks.  Any violators will be immediately processed for Renewal.

  2. Construction to the Town Car garage will begin October 23rd.  Please be sure to have your personal vehicles moved to the South garage or else they will be towed.

  3. Fire sprinkler testing will occur this week in the South Tower and the first 5 Sub-Levels. Please secure all animals, humans, and other test subjects and follow the prescribed procedures for temporary evacuation.
  4. Lastly, we are thrilled to announce a new contest!  Send us your most Centre-looking photos (See a creepy Sweeper lurking about? Your office resembles SL-10?) and we will feature them in an upcoming CEN!  Submit them to centreinsider@thepretenderlives.com by October 31st!  See above for a fantastic submission from Laurette!

SYDNEY’S SECRET SANTA…

The holidays will soon be upon us and though we strongly discourage the revelation of the trappings of the season with our test subjects, we have some fantastic plans for employee celebrations.  The first is an initiative created by Sydney in Psychogenic Studies, which will be headed up by Kylie, the Director of Rorschach Analysis.
“Sydney’s Secret Santa” pairs up Centre Insiders around the world for a fun gift exchange.
The PTBs have submitted their info and are more than looking forward to spreading some cheer to their lucky partners.  If you haven’t signed up yet, please do so in the Employee Intranet here by October 31!

DATA BREACH

Mr. Broots in the Tech Room has a very important announcement regarding a recent uptick in the number of intercepted communiques out of the Data Annex in Wilmington. Important documents were compromised, some of which could harm the reputation of the Centre itself.

The concern was originally benign, with only low-level documents being shepherded to third party cloud servers.  This was escalated to a level 7 incident, however, once we realized that the culprit was the one and only Jarod, who sold the entire Centre directory to telemarketers and high bidders in Mexico.  We are deeply sorry for the number of dinner time calls soliciting donations for everything from Acute Exacerbation of Chronic Nonsense (no, there is not a real organization funding that) to muscle enhancements direct from Ahhhnold himself.  We have been assured that they will be halted ASAP.

Also, there has been widespread concern about another data breach. At this point, we are authorized to inform you that several stock market manipulation Sims designed to influence airlines, defense contractors, and media conglomerates have been stolen from our Libyan Annex. We are protecting your assets in controlled Thrift Savings Plans, so all pensions are thoroughly unaffected. If any information is known about their whereabouts, please contact centreinsider@thepretenderlives.comASAP so we can work with our client to ensure minimal economic fallout.

THE CHASE BEGINS!

Rebirth

rebirth

Saving Luke

saving luke

September 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER

SEEING DOUBLE…

Our supply of twins is in need of replenishment for several substantive behavioural studies. If you (or anyone you know) has an “other half,” we strongly encourage you to apply!  There are huge opportunities for advancement in the psychogenic research test subject field, and doppelgangers are encouraged! Please let Sydney, or anyone on his staff, know if you are interested!

Vivarium

Miss Antoinette reported a huge uptick in visits to the infirmary due to several unfortunate incidents in the Vivarium. Due to a sudden heat wave and change in the humidity and pressure in the west wing of the Vivarium, several of the animals displayed aggressive and strange behavior, including a desire for ingesting cotton and packing peanuts. The avian sector is currently closed while inventory of the rare parrot section is underway. The unfortunate demise of many of our feathered fowl will be an excellent opportunity for anyone interested in taxidermy. Mr. Cox will be holding a course for beginners in SL-6 this Thursday. All are welcome.

27th September Open House

In support of World Tourism Day to promote the great state of Delaware, management has agreed to allow a limited number of friends and family to the Centre for the first annual Open Day, now extending past the lobby and into the conference room and Intergroup Concourse Level water cooler and vending machines! Get your ticket now before they run out- or before the price of Funyuns increases again! Please note, any visitor found wandering in any off-limits area will be prosecuted or sent to Cassandra’s lab as a test subject in experiments with flying fungus.

A NOTE FROM THE CENTRE GREEN TEAM

We ask all staff to take precautions against a new invasive plant species that is somehow spreading to many of the green spaces in Blue Cove. Miss Jacci first reported her concerns when she found the Centre’s resident furry terror, Spike, stunned in a bed of what our botany team is calling “Cat Crack.” While many were pleased that the ferocious feline was not wreaking havoc in the North Tower, there is grave concern that, if accidentally ingested, this flora could cause excessive pimples and jaundice. Please see Doctor Terri with any questions.

LE CAMÉLÉON VIT…

The search for one of our missing projects – one of the Centre’s biggest and most important assets – takes a new turn. Our French Annexes are regrouping and tightening the security and all their efforts into getting it back. All communications from the headquarters will be from now on available in French at www.lecameleonvit.fr beginning this Friday, September 19th.

To login to the Headquarters forum, use your Centre ID and go to www.thepretenderlives.com/groups/le-cameleon-vit/.

Warning: if you do not understand french, you can take classes with Mademoiselle Nathalie, our gun range manager, but be careful around her… she is armed and dangerous!

THE CHASE BEGINS!

Rebirth

rebirth

Saving Luke

saving luke

AUGUST 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER

From the Tower…

An inter-staff memo went out earlier this month regarding the allotted amount of personal clutter on desks.  Please do not disregard this!  Several severely scattered workspaces caused significant peril during our last emergency drill, resulting in a chemical spill, loose lab animals, and an unfortunate rash for a few of our valued employees (don’t worry, our dear Miss Jessi is assured to recover by the end of the month).  Cleaners will be conducting random inspections as a part of their continuing education requirement, and we are not responsible for any punitive actions taken on their part.

A Fantastic Fiasco

Our felonious freeloading feline, Spike, would like to remind all employees that World Cat Day was August 8th, and in his own personal celebration, shredded the entirety of the toilet paper supply allotted for the infirmary.

Reparations have been made, and the custodial staff apologizes for all the one-ply substitutions made during the last week.

Miss Parker Quiz

This questionnaire about one of our employees was found in the lobby and subsequently was sent to all Centre insiders via email.

Miss Daphne came forward and admitted that she was, in fact, behind it, and therefore no further actions will be taken.

Miss Parker, we hope this wasn’t too intrusive. We respect everyone’s privacy (really, we do).

EBOLA UPDATE!

We would like to preface this update with a categorical denial aboutany involvement with the recent outbreak of Ebola Haemorrhagic Fever, despite any rumours to the contrary.

Dr. James, heading up the international biohazard research team out of our West African Field Office, assures all that the Centre personnel there are free from contamination and working diligently to support efforts to control the epidemic.  Despite discussion of an all-hands Triumvirate Station evacuation, those scheduled for an African visit have absolutely nothing to worry about.

We would like to take this opportunity to remind all that proper hygiene and hand washing are the keys to maintaining a happy and healthy working environment.  On a totally unrelated note, until further notice, all transfers from Equatorial to Blue Cove have been suspended.  Thank you for your cooperation.

TALENT CALL!

Manny the Mute in Communications would like to remind all Centre employees of the upcoming Talent Night, scheduled for September 13th.  Send in your audio karaoke reading a paragraph from Rebirth or Saving Luke (or, for the truly ambitious, video submissions are also encouraged) to centreinsider@thepretenderlives.com and you could be featured on the Centre’s Intranet at www.thepretenderlives.com.  Submissions must be received by the 10th for entry into the Talent Show.

THE CHASE BEGINS!

Rebirth

rebirth

Saving Luke

saving luke

JULY 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER

LIVE CONFERENCE CALL IN THE THEATRE

Straight from Los Angeles, California, where he is summering near the surf and sun, PTB Steven Long Mitchell will be gracing the Centre Employees with his virtual presence on Sunday, July 20th in the SL-15 ShoutBox at https://www.thepretenderlives.com to discuss Saving Luke, the GIFT, and the future of the Pretender. Send in your questions to Mr. Parker’s assistant, Miss Gazp, a thelpdesk@thepretenderlives.com by July 19th! This is mandatory for all employees – attendance will be taken!

EXTRA CURRICULARS

ACTIVITY 1 Mr. Raines, having discovered religion recently (as well are all very well aware), will be leading a multi-denominational prayer meeting Fridays at noon in the Great Room of the Building 52 in the Annex Wing of the Centre. All are welcome.

ACTIVITY 2 Calling all shutterbugs! Our favorite Cleaner-Turned-Upper Management, Ms. Brigitte, will be leading a session on clandestine photography next Friday in the SL-23 Dark Room. Please be sure to bring tripods and extra lenses. Subjects will be provided, and this course will count for Sweeper Continuing Education credits. See you there!!

SUMMER FROSTBITE

Miss Russel, the Centre archivist, is out of the hospital and recovering nicely from her frostbite surgery. If you haven’t heard yet, she fell asleep at her desk in the Ice Cube and, when she awoke, the tips of her nose, fingers and three toes on her left foot were turning black from being so frozen! She lost just a very small bit of the tip of her nose and she won’t have to spend nearly as much time at the pedicurist (she should get a discount now – at least 30% off, right?). She’ll be back making her way through the halls soon – so be sure and welcome her with open arms and remember NOT to stare at her nose or comment about her new boot. Oh and flowers would be nice.

RECIPE FOR SUMMER

In honor of the 100th anniversary of the birth of Grandfather Parker, founder of the Centre, his grandson, Mr. Parker wanted to share with the entire staff of the Centre the recipe of GFP’s favorite lunch – the same one GMP made for him every day of their 63 year marriage.

Served on Rye toast, it is still a family favorite and Chef Dani will be serving it all this month as a special in the Executive Dining Room.

Grandfather Parker’s Pimento Cheese Spread

  • 4 ounces softened cream cheese
  • 4 ounces diced pimentos
  • 2 ounces mayonnaise
  • 8 ounces sharp white cheddar cheese
  • Salt & pepper to taste

Place cream cheese and mayonnaise into a large mixing bowl and beat at medium speed until thoroughly combined.

Add cheddar cheese. Mix till combined.

Fold pimentos in last so they don’t get bruised.

Season to taste with salt and pepper.

THE CORN MAN FINALLY GETS A GOLD MEDAL

As many of you have no doubt been told over and over and over again, according to MENSA, Mr. Cornelius was the 3rd smartest person born in 1987 – a distinction he vehemently disputes – felling he is # 1 in everything. (I can see you women rolling your eyes on that one!) Anyhow the Cornmeister has finally won one! Mr. C came in first in the Blue Cove Magazine unibrow competition! If you are near the Tech Room this week, be sure to give him a pat on the back- but be sure not to mention his recent demotion upon the return of Mr. Broots. (He is still very sensitive.)

THE CHASE BEGINS!

Rebirth

rebirth

Saving Luke

saving luke

JUNE 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER

It’s Father’s Day!

Still don’t have a gift for Father’s Day? Well, the children in the Forecasting study are offering free palm and tarot readings. What a great and unique opportunity for dad!

We simply ask for a follow up in a month to check the accuracy of our young fortunetellers. Helping us find the best future forecaster will mean better stock choices within the Centre’s Pension Plan. A gift for dad could mean a gift for you!

The Centre’s Pension Plan consists of incentives presented to the people brought into the Centre to work- voluntarily and involuntarily- and includes both defined benefits and participatory stock options. It’s very well funded…although it is questionable whether anyone has ever lived long enough to collect the pension. May your fortune be ever in your favor!

CRIMES IN ATLANTA!

Avoid the Lakes…

We received numerous reports of incidents coming directly from the Atlanta Data Annex. Summers are notoriously hot and muggy in this state.

We know most people seek the water to cool off and enjoy swimming, boating and sunbathing.

Unfortunately, for a number of attractive young women in the Atlanta metro area, someone has discovered another use for the numerous lakes and rivers, a use that is striking terror in the hearts of the citizens in the “Big Apple” of the South.

A team of special operatives has been sent to Atlanta, but we encourage all our lady operatives in the area to avoid the lakes as we wait on more reports.

4th of July Notices…

Follow the Centre policies on safety!

Please do not bring fireworks inside the facility as it makes the Sweepers jumpy. We also do not want a repeat of the Renewal Wing riots from last year.

We know that, for many employees, it feels like he has been here forever, but for the 4th of July party, we are asking that no one ask what the War for Independence was like… Mr. Raines no longer finds it humorous.

Support Your World Cup Team!

We are thrilled to announce the first ever World Cup viewing celebration, to take place in the amphitheater outside of Hybrid Biotract 2 on July 13th. Leading up to the celebration, we are asking that all CIs show their support for their country of choice and submit their photos to centreinsider@thepretenderlives.com! We will feature a gallery of the submissions in the July Employees Newsletter.

Flush Poll Results Revealed!

Even though we tried to prevent it from happening, actually conducted a T-Board to find the culprit who planted such a nefarious poll, and received plenty of anonymous tips, our research was inconclusive. The flush poll in the men’s room in SL-10 remained accessible to all employees for a short amount of time. The lack of empathy with one’s co-workers is just appalling and we apologize for any inconvenience this vandalism act has caused.

To prevent any further such incidents in both the women’s and the men’s rooms, a community meeting will take place tomorrow in the auditorium where Mr. Cox’s proposal about instituting better security measures will be taken into consideration. We ask all to attend.

Additionally, we noticed that, shortly after this poll was started, the most voted Centre employee mysteriously disappeared. If someone knows Mr. Cornelius’s whereabouts, please report them to the Tower, ASAP. We assure you that he will no longer be allowed to use the Tech Theatre without supervision.

For those of you fearing that the tech department will be left unsupervised, fear not. We’ve called in Mr. Broots again for this job and he will be securing all your tech needs.

TRIUMVIRATE DAY PICNIC

Mark Your Calendars for June 28!
The annual picnic and birthday bash for Vania in the Centre Air Fleet is nearly here and it will take place at the beach right outside the complex. Your family and relatives are welcome to join in the festivities as well!

The catering will be prepared by our chef for the Sub-Level Commissary South, Phillipe Van der Mussele. Delicacies will include everyone’s favorites: watermelon, and strawberry lemonade, roast beef, avocado wraps, and potato salad. And, as per Mr. Lyle’s request, we will also have asian dishes, like the Oriental Cold Noodle Salad.

Employees will be encouraged to take a swim. The water has been safely tested against all bad organisms and you can now take full advantage of the beach after hours. As you know, at the Centre, we take environmental safety very seriously. Our water treatment plant, located near the cavern adjacent to the sublevels, is the greatest in the country and our waters are the more pristine waters in all Blue Cove.

We ask to keep infants away from the grottos as we cannot guarantee their safety and will take no responsibility for their actions.

THE CHASE BEGINS!

Rebirth

rebirth

Saving Luke

saving luke

May 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER

The Centre Recycles

The sustainability committee has been working feverishly on an Earth Day campaign just in time for April 22nd and are pleased to announce the new “Centre Recycles” initiative!

Please note that there are bins located outside all labs, in the Sub Level Commissary South, in the Office of Management in the North Tower, and next to the Ice Cube in Centre Archives. Please be sure to sort your materials accordingly, and stop by our booth in the lobby. We will be giving out exclusive “Centre Recycles” t-shirts to wear on Casual Fridays!

It’s Peach Cobbler Season

Back by popular demand, Catherine Parker’s peach cobbler recipe is available here.  Cube that butter, sharpen those knives, and heat up those ovens… the Triumvirate Day Picnic is soon upon us and you know how Mr. Zane gets without his favorite tasty treat…

Vandalism!!!

If anyone has any knowledge of this destructive addition to the wall in the men’s room on SL-10, please report it to Centre Security ASAP!

SIS will also be watching- if any additional Centre employees are caught voting in the poll, automatic T-Boarding will occur!

A Message from the Office of the Director

As many of you have heard through the grapevine, the sexual harassment lawsuit against the Centre has been dismissed. We are very pleased with the verdict, as the Centre goes to great lengths to ensure a happy and productive workplace environment. Still, the Tower would like to issue a statement to the effects of “shame on you, Mr. Cox and what you did with those glass eyeballs!”

In what can be assured is unrelated news, we have two new vacancies in the legal department. Both Mr. Williams, supervisor of International Shipping and Trafficking, and his assistant, Ms. Shepard were tragically killed during separate home invasions on the same night in West Blue Cove. The police will be continuing to investigate, but have come up with no leads thus far. Due to the increase in area violence, we urge all employees to be vigilant regarding their home safety.

We have already begun the search to fill the vacancies left by the two tragedies and would like to remind all employees about the bonuses offered for successful referrals. We are a family here at the Centre and we would love to have more of yours.

Finally, please remember that if you feel as though you have experienced sexual harassment (unless it’s from Mr. Conner in the Renewal Wing- he really can’t control that wandering eye), please make an appointment with an EEO counselor in HR who will be happy to help you. These claims are taken very seriously, as sexual harassment leads to an unproductive workplace, and thorough investigations will always be conducted.

It is very much a perk of the job when Management gets to conduct interrogations, and we take great pride in the reduction of incidents here at the Centre since the implementation of our new Sexual Harassment Policy.

Please keep in mind regarding any such claims that the Centre’s Mission Statement is “Our Fellow Man is Our Highest Priority.”

Not Guilty!

Miss Mallory, the Centre Counsel, is happy to announce that virtually all charges have been dropped against the sweeper team arrested in Ft. Lauderdale while on assignment guarding a Tower executive’s teenage daughters during spring break.

“It was mostly a big misunderstanding,” said Sam, as they removed his handcuffs. “Some of the younger guys didn’t know how to keep calm during the body shot contest, and things sort of got out of hand.”

The only sweeper still detained is Pedro, as his new bride, Vania, refused to pay the bail. “I told him to keep his hands to himself and not to take Girls Gone Wild pictures, but he is Portuguese and hard headed. Maybe a few days behind bars will remind him who wears the pants around here!”

Oh, that Vania.

The team should be back in place by months end.

They May Look Pretty…

But damn they are mean! 

Those crazy peacocks in the hybrid biotracts are at it again. Dr. Dawn’s smile couldn’t cover the fact of all of the scratches and beak-bite marks all over her chest and neck as she announced the latest incident with her colorful charges. “The rumor that the rampage was caused by the genetic experiments is not true at all,” she reassured the department.

Then what caused the event that left two trainers and a young calf so injured? “It was all about sex,” Dr. Dawn explained. It’s the time of year when males are fighting over mating rights with the females, and when they mistake other creatures for possible mates, well… “Sometimes being in the aviary is like going to club on Saturday night. Basically they thought they were just hooking up. ”

She assured upper management that the incident won’t happen again, but cautions all visitors not to wear colors associated with male peacocks for the next 6 weeks.

We have a winner!

Donoterase is famous for its genetic research, but did you know it also produced a world-famous chanteuse?

Conchita, the “bearded woman” and winner of the Eurovision Song Contest got her start at the Centre facility when a hormonal mix up brought forth an extraordinary set of lungs and facial hair to match. She will be on tour throughout the European Annexes this month, but book your spots for her autograph session today- they are filling up fast!

THE CHASE BEGINS!

Rebirth

rebirth

Saving Luke

saving luke

APRIL 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER

The Centre Recycles

The sustainability committee has been working feverishly on an Earth Day campaign just in time for April 22nd and are pleased to announce the new “Centre Recycles” initiative!

Please note that there are bins located outside all labs, in the Sub Level Commissary South, in the Office of Management in the North Tower, and next to the Ice Cube in Centre Archives. Please be sure to sort your materials accordingly, and stop by our booth in the lobby. We will be giving out exclusive “Centre Recycles” t-shirts to wear on Casual Fridays!

Centre Transportation Update

Carpools forming from Dover Sign Up Today! Tired of the commute to Blue Cove? Frustrated with the traffic in Wilmington? Fear not! The transportation office will be taking sign ups for the Town Car rideshare program! Submit your name and address to Miss Bougainvillea and she will match you with a commuting companion. Please note that the Centre’s Gulfstream jet will be on hiatus while it undergoes extensive repairs due to a recent unfortunate landing incident. Long haul travel will be via commercial airlines until further notice, and no Miss Soumaya, that does not mean all staff will be in first class, even on flights to Algeria!

It’s A Birthday Bash!

Miss J from the Annex Down Under is on detail in Blue Cove this month. In honor of her upcoming birthday, the Centre snack committee has switched out the Funyuns in the vending machines for funfetti cake. Don’t tell her – it’s a surprise! Oh and Mr. Broots, you don’t have to change your pamper, normal snacks will return again next month!

HOPPY EASTER FROM THE CENTRE

We have been experiencing an uptick in missing rabbits from the secure wing of biological research. While we are aware that Easter bunnies are in high demand, many of these rabbits are engaged in critical and valuable experimental projects – and are not safe for ‘home entertainment,’ especially around young children.
While not confirming the rumors that their altered genetics may result in the growth of additional limbs, tufts of unwanted hair, loss of continence, procurement of clairvoyance, and/or other metaphysical powers, no one in the lab is denying it either. If you are in possession of any such rabbit, please return them to Dr. M. as soon as possible – and soak your hands in paint thinner for at least 3 hours.

Tax Season Left You with a Hangover?

Then let’s get one for real! Centre Activities is happy to announce that Mr. Raines and his new “lady friend” Miss Lola will be this year’s hosts for the Annual Blue Cove Winery Tour. But what about drinking and driving, you may ask? For over a quarter century, the Sweepers’ Wine Club has provided the finest in wine country transportation, and this year will be no exception. As Sam said just last week at the planning session, “Our knowledgeable guides and drivers know every nook and cranny of the vineyard region, and that, combined with our luxurious, high quality Sweeper Fleet of vehicles, we are the leader in Eastern Delaware wine tourism – and it’s not even in our job description!” The Sweepers’ Wine Club can accommodate groups of any size from any department. They operate new Lincoln Town Cars, Corporate Suburbans, Stretch Limousines, Custom Vans, Mini Buses, Full Size Motor Coaches, and, per Miss Lola’s wishes, environmentally friendly vehicles. So sit back and relax while sipping sparkling fermented grapes in one of our latest luxury vehicles, and allow our knowledgeable chauffeurs/Sweeper/tour guides to take you to their favorite wineries.   These tours are a very affordable way to visit the wine country with other enthusiasts. Planning a department event? Let our knowledgeable Sales and Event Coordinators help you plan your next event. As Mr. Raines is fond of saying, especially to Miss L, “bottoms up!”

Renew Anew in Renewal!

The renewal wing is sick of its bad reputation as ‘just a brainwashing unit.’ Now that enhanced interrogation techniques have suddenly become ‘bad business,’ the Renewers have decided to renew themselves by renewing their mission. No longer will the water boarding rooms be used exclusively to make the reluctant speak more freely, they will also be used to make the hard working employees at the Centre feel more relaxed!

From now on, every Monday will be “Massage Monday,” where deep tissue massages, facials, and other pampering services especially developed by the R&D department will be offered at a nominal charge. The Renewers do ask one thing though…if they get too deep into the tissue, please don’t scream. It occasionally triggers strange reactions and, well, we don’t want anyone to get hurt. We just want to see you happy and relaxed. Book your renew anew service today… Mr. Parker already has, and space is filling up quickly!

Annex Schedule of Events

April 20- Centre Annex Moscow will be hosting Triumvirate personnel for an inspection of the facilities. Please be sure to have everything in tip-top shape for our PTBs!

April 25- Centre Annex Portugal will be hosting a symposium on retrieval of lost assets. All Sweepers and Cleaners are encouraged to attend. They will be engaging in a Q&A update on the pursuit of Jarod. For any interested employees in Blue Cove, you can call in using the South Tower conference room, and refreshments will be served. By popular demand, beignets and King Cake from the same bakery where Catherine and Mr. Parker first met in New Orleans will be flown in, just for this occasion.

April 26- Centre Annex Down Under will be continuing their seemingly endless 9-part webinar on coding and design. This month’s topic is coloring and fonts for optimal public relations, whatever that means. We know many of you would rather have a tooth extracted than hear these broads drone on and on about technical issues, but just suck it up and be nice. There are only 7 more 4-hour sessions after this one. It will be broadcast on the big screen in the Tech Room from 2pm EST.

THE CHASE BEGINS!

Rebirth

rebirth

Saving Luke

saving luke

MARCH 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER

Sam the Sweeper’s Ultimate Workout

Sam the Sweeper may have started young, but it is never to late to get physical!

It’s almost bathing suit season… don’t let all those St. Paddy’s Day treats sneak up on you. Come see Sam in the Centre Gym for a personal training session! Sign up sheets are posted in the Intranet Mainframe under “Recreation.”

The Office of Counsel wishes to remind you that the Centre is not liable for any injuries sustained during gym activities. For more information, please see any of our staff in the North Tower.

Genius Project Update

Fresh off of winning the national championship, the Centre’s own 5 year old musical prodigy Marti Chiles, aka “Mozart with a Mandolin,” has picked up his third string instrument: the banjo.

Our star musician has serenaded Corridor 15 with entire memorized Bach suites on the ukulele for several years before diversifying to the mandolin, on which he won a Grammy Award and released three solo albums. Not one to rest on his laurels, the revolutionary Baby Beethoven was awarded the MacArthur genius grant and will be our musician in residence as he continues to expand his repertoire. Marti is available to play for any of the Groupon gatherings listed above.

Additionally, please avoid Corridor 15 in SL-2 on February 18-19 there are scheduled T-Boards during this time and we do not want to terminate anyone on account of an interruption or noise violation.

NEW! Centre Coupons!

The Centre Commissary is offering group coupons for birthday parties, anniversary gatherings and much more. We know the space is in high demand, so check the intranet for your daily deals, including our ever popular Lively Liposuction and Spa Day Soiree, Kiddie Kayaking (includes cake and half day access to the water treatment fun park), and Sips and Strokes wine and painting party. They will sell out fast, so get your Centre Coupon- For All Your Daily Blue Cove Deals today!

St. Patrick’s Day Festivities

The month of March brought forth one of the most highly anticipated events on the Centre social calendar: the annual pre-St. Patrick’s Day Oysters and Guinness breakfast!

The cafeteria was filled to capacity with three seatings, and although it was not food dye that added the green hue to the traditional fare, we have been assured with near certainty by the Centre doctors that no one need fear for their health. All bodily functions will return to their natural conditions shortly. If you notice a green hue in the white of your eyes, however, please contact Nurse Schmord in the infirmary ASAP.

Notes from the Tower

Budget Office

The BO would like to remind you that all grant submissions are due by 3/31 for consideration in the planning for the next fiscal year. The Budget Director has expressly prohibited any proposals involving dismemberment or arson for personal reasons.

Additionally, if anyone has any knowledge of the individuals responsible for the submission of “Extensive Longitudinal Study on the Shortest Skirt Miss Parker Has Worn: Exploring the Scientific Ratio of Exposed Skin to Material,” please contact SIS immediately.

Ethics Office

Even though March Madness is upon us, it is Centre policy to refrain from gambling between the hours of 7-9:45am and in all locations below SL-18. (Please note, this embargo does not apply to the Chip Greenfelt Poker Club.) Your cooperation is greatly appreciated.

THE CHASE BEGINS!

Rebirth

rebirth

Saving Luke

saving luke

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