AUGUST 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER
From the Tower…
An inter-staff memo went out earlier this month regarding the allotted amount of personal clutter on desks. Please do not disregard this! Several severely scattered workspaces caused significant peril during our last emergency drill, resulting in a chemical spill, loose lab animals, and an unfortunate rash for a few of our valued employees (don’t worry, our dear Miss Jessi is assured to recover by the end of the month). Cleaners will be conducting random inspections as a part of their continuing education requirement, and we are not responsible for any punitive actions taken on their part.
A Fantastic Fiasco
Our felonious freeloading feline, Spike, would like to remind all employees that World Cat Day was August 8th, and in his own personal celebration, shredded the entirety of the toilet paper supply allotted for the infirmary.
Reparations have been made, and the custodial staff apologizes for all the one-ply substitutions made during the last week.
Miss Parker Quiz
This questionnaire about one of our employees was found in the lobby and subsequently was sent to all Centre insiders via email.
Miss Daphne came forward and admitted that she was, in fact, behind it, and therefore no further actions will be taken.
Miss Parker, we hope this wasn’t too intrusive. We respect everyone’s privacy (really, we do).
We would like to preface this update with a categorical denial aboutany involvement with the recent outbreak of Ebola Haemorrhagic Fever, despite any rumours to the contrary.
Dr. James, heading up the international biohazard research team out of our West African Field Office, assures all that the Centre personnel there are free from contamination and working diligently to support efforts to control the epidemic. Despite discussion of an all-hands Triumvirate Station evacuation, those scheduled for an African visit have absolutely nothing to worry about.
We would like to take this opportunity to remind all that proper hygiene and hand washing are the keys to maintaining a happy and healthy working environment. On a totally unrelated note, until further notice, all transfers from Equatorial to Blue Cove have been suspended. Thank you for your cooperation.
Manny the Mute in Communications would like to remind all Centre employees of the upcoming Talent Night, scheduled for September 13th. Send in your audio karaoke reading a paragraph from Rebirth or Saving Luke (or, for the truly ambitious, video submissions are also encouraged) to email@example.com and you could be featured on the Centre’s Intranet at www.thepretenderlives.com. Submissions must be received by the 10th for entry into the Talent Show.