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APRIL 2014 CENTRE EMPLOYEE NEWSLETTER

Apr 21, 20140 comments

The Centre Recycles

The sustainability committee has been working feverishly on an Earth Day campaign just in time for April 22nd and are pleased to announce the new “Centre Recycles” initiative!

Please note that there are bins located outside all labs, in the Sub Level Commissary South, in the Office of Management in the North Tower, and next to the Ice Cube in Centre Archives. Please be sure to sort your materials accordingly, and stop by our booth in the lobby. We will be giving out exclusive “Centre Recycles” t-shirts to wear on Casual Fridays!

Centre Transportation Update

Carpools forming from Dover Sign Up Today! Tired of the commute to Blue Cove? Frustrated with the traffic in Wilmington? Fear not! The transportation office will be taking sign ups for the Town Car rideshare program! Submit your name and address to Miss Bougainvillea and she will match you with a commuting companion. Please note that the Centre’s Gulfstream jet will be on hiatus while it undergoes extensive repairs due to a recent unfortunate landing incident. Long haul travel will be via commercial airlines until further notice, and no Miss Soumaya, that does not mean all staff will be in first class, even on flights to Algeria!

It’s A Birthday Bash!

Miss J from the Annex Down Under is on detail in Blue Cove this month. In honor of her upcoming birthday, the Centre snack committee has switched out the Funyuns in the vending machines for funfetti cake. Don’t tell her – it’s a surprise! Oh and Mr. Broots, you don’t have to change your pamper, normal snacks will return again next month!

HOPPY EASTER FROM THE CENTRE

We have been experiencing an uptick in missing rabbits from the secure wing of biological research. While we are aware that Easter bunnies are in high demand, many of these rabbits are engaged in critical and valuable experimental projects – and are not safe for ‘home entertainment,’ especially around young children.
While not confirming the rumors that their altered genetics may result in the growth of additional limbs, tufts of unwanted hair, loss of continence, procurement of clairvoyance, and/or other metaphysical powers, no one in the lab is denying it either. If you are in possession of any such rabbit, please return them to Dr. M. as soon as possible – and soak your hands in paint thinner for at least 3 hours.

Tax Season Left You with a Hangover?

Then let’s get one for real! Centre Activities is happy to announce that Mr. Raines and his new “lady friend” Miss Lola will be this year’s hosts for the Annual Blue Cove Winery Tour. But what about drinking and driving, you may ask? For over a quarter century, the Sweepers’ Wine Club has provided the finest in wine country transportation, and this year will be no exception. As Sam said just last week at the planning session, “Our knowledgeable guides and drivers know every nook and cranny of the vineyard region, and that, combined with our luxurious, high quality Sweeper Fleet of vehicles, we are the leader in Eastern Delaware wine tourism – and it’s not even in our job description!” The Sweepers’ Wine Club can accommodate groups of any size from any department. They operate new Lincoln Town Cars, Corporate Suburbans, Stretch Limousines, Custom Vans, Mini Buses, Full Size Motor Coaches, and, per Miss Lola’s wishes, environmentally friendly vehicles. So sit back and relax while sipping sparkling fermented grapes in one of our latest luxury vehicles, and allow our knowledgeable chauffeurs/Sweeper/tour guides to take you to their favorite wineries.   These tours are a very affordable way to visit the wine country with other enthusiasts. Planning a department event? Let our knowledgeable Sales and Event Coordinators help you plan your next event. As Mr. Raines is fond of saying, especially to Miss L, “bottoms up!”

Renew Anew in Renewal!

The renewal wing is sick of its bad reputation as ‘just a brainwashing unit.’ Now that enhanced interrogation techniques have suddenly become ‘bad business,’ the Renewers have decided to renew themselves by renewing their mission. No longer will the water boarding rooms be used exclusively to make the reluctant speak more freely, they will also be used to make the hard working employees at the Centre feel more relaxed!

From now on, every Monday will be “Massage Monday,” where deep tissue massages, facials, and other pampering services especially developed by the R&D department will be offered at a nominal charge. The Renewers do ask one thing though…if they get too deep into the tissue, please don’t scream. It occasionally triggers strange reactions and, well, we don’t want anyone to get hurt. We just want to see you happy and relaxed. Book your renew anew service today… Mr. Parker already has, and space is filling up quickly!

Annex Schedule of Events

April 20- Centre Annex Moscow will be hosting Triumvirate personnel for an inspection of the facilities. Please be sure to have everything in tip-top shape for our PTBs!

April 25- Centre Annex Portugal will be hosting a symposium on retrieval of lost assets. All Sweepers and Cleaners are encouraged to attend. They will be engaging in a Q&A update on the pursuit of Jarod. For any interested employees in Blue Cove, you can call in using the South Tower conference room, and refreshments will be served. By popular demand, beignets and King Cake from the same bakery where Catherine and Mr. Parker first met in New Orleans will be flown in, just for this occasion.

April 26- Centre Annex Down Under will be continuing their seemingly endless 9-part webinar on coding and design. This month’s topic is coloring and fonts for optimal public relations, whatever that means. We know many of you would rather have a tooth extracted than hear these broads drone on and on about technical issues, but just suck it up and be nice. There are only 7 more 4-hour sessions after this one. It will be broadcast on the big screen in the Tech Room from 2pm EST.

THE CHASE BEGINS!

Rebirth

rebirth

Saving Luke

saving luke

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